Saturday, January 27, 2007

Airport Security

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for flying British Airways Flight 324 nonstop from London to New York. We are still awaiting our security clearance from U.S. authorities, but it's safe to assume that we'll land in New York sometime in the next month or so. If you look to your left, you will see a landmark tha tattracts more than one million tourists every year. It's called Heathrow Airport. Yes, we haven't yet taken off, as a few astute passengers have noticed. Needless to say, wewould rather wait on the ground than in the air -- it's so much easier to get a refill. You won't believe how fast we go through our liquor cart. The weather in New York is cold and breezy, with a 30 percent chance of snow. But why am I telling you that? By the time we get there, it might be summer. Of course, there is still a possibility the status of this flight will be changed to "delayed indefinitely" from its current status of "delayed definitely." If that happens, youmay be asked to disembark immediately. With that in mind, I would advise you not to get too comfortable. You may recline your seat and stretch your legs, but please don't change into your pajamas.If you are spotted wearing pajamas in the airport, the United States may revoke your visa. In fact, if you are seen wearing any type of clothing that does not conform to standards established by the U.S. Attorney General, as specified in Section IV, Paragraph 3 of the Anti-Terrorism Law, you may be denied entry into the United States, unless, of course, you can prove you're a member of the clergy. Please do not take this personally. These measures have been taken to protect you from people who look like you. As you've probably heard, the U.S. government recently raised the national threat level to orange, which meansthere's a high risk of terrorists attacking people with oranges. This may seem like a minor threat to you, but has anyone ever squeezed an orange peel into your eye?As a result of this threat, airport security has been beefed up, with apologies to our vegetarian passengers. Some of you already know this, having spent the last two hours being poked at. A few of you may have come under extra scrutiny, especially if you have names such as Hussein, Ahmed and Abdul. But most of you are white and your names, thankfully, create no concern, as I just told the three men in firstclass, an Englishman named Hunt, an American named Rob, anda Dutchman named Harm. Once we get to New York, you may be photographed and fingerprinted, especially if you come from a non-Europeancountry. Please do not take this personally. No one is saying that you're a terrorist. They're just saying that you look like one. Before I finish, I'd like to draw your attention to the back of the plane, where you'll see that we have an Indian man flying with us today. Please do not panic. He has been through a special 16-hour security check. We even tested the oil in his hair. You'll be glad to know that it isn't flammable. Among the items we've confiscated from this man are two sharp pencils, one orange and a bottle of a caustic,tongue-burning substance that he claims is lemon pickle. Anyway, I just want you to know that this man will soon get up to use the restroom, escorted by three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom will be observedwith 206 cameras, one for every bone in his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised above his head at all times, so you might not want to use the restroom after him. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I'm retiring in a couple of months and I feel a strong urge to be completely open with my passengers, an urge I've had ever since the liquor cart went by.


Undecided said...

My dad used to always use the last name OTT when we ordered a pizza because nobody could even try Iacobucci...thanks for stopping by my blog!

Andy's Life said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...that was great!

And no I don't think layover airports count for the countries visited list at World 66 otherwise we should count embassies too since technically the land inside the perimeter belongs to the country it represents :-)

irving said...

Haha, this is a classic :) Thanks for the laugh. It brightened my day :)

Ya Haqq!

umm luqmaan said...

LOL! thats was so hilarious. thank you so much for sharing. nice to see someone with a sense of humor.

Undecided said...

Brilliant! I onced received a hideous email forward from my boss's wife about how we should outlaw Islam in America. Um, yeah. Something about freedoms, I thought they included religion? I'll probably never walk into that woman's home again. My sister's best friend is Muslim, so it took every ounce of restraint for me not to respond and ruin my husband's career over her ignorance. I salute you!

Banana ;-) said...

haha lol!! that was really funny!!! esp. the testing of the oils of the indian guys hair ewww

Reem said...

I have had a long stressful day. After reading this I am just getting off the floor from my laughter. LOL!!

JazakAllah Khair

I'll certainly pass it on.

R.S. in Qatar

MissionPeace said...

salam againnnnnnn
my goddddddddddddddd

hahahahaha, can i can i can i please add ur blog to my blog links on my blog ? phlezeeeeeee i cant stop from recommending my visitors to read suchhhhhhhhh an amazinggggggg blog, mashallah.

I am an indian, and when i read this........."He has been through a special 16-hour security check. We even tested the oil in his hair. You'll be glad to know that it isn't flammable. Among the items we've confiscated from this man are two sharp pencils, one orange and a bottle of a caustic,tongue-burning substance that he claims is lemon pickle........"

i laughed and laughed for so long that the people around me are staring at me now :)) LOLZzzzzzz

i cant wait to continue reading ur blog, cheeeeeerrrsss.

u can visit me at

Amir said...

assalam walaikum

wow that was soooooo funnny. im indian, got a good kick out of the tounge burning "lemon pickle"... actually the whole thing was hillarious. and flying out of heathrow is really a killer especially if ive got family with me since my dad's name is "ahmad" and my second name sounds like "masud". at least were not forced to be put through the same treatment as that indian guy. i can't immagine how he will eat without the lemon pickle (achaar)