Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak

I hope everyone is having a great Eid.

heavy lifting

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

3 types

There are three types of people in the world; those that can count and those that can't.

Khutbas

After an inspiring khutba, one of the Muslim brothers greeted the Imam
“ ‘Imam, that was a wonderful khutba. You should have it published.’
“The Imam replied, ‘Actually, I’m planning to have all my Khutbas published posthumously.’
“ ‘Great!’ gushed the Muslim Brother. ‘The sooner the better!’ ”

Hamza and Rahman

One day Hamza and Rahman went to a job interview, the boss came out of his office and gave them a test. Well, it took about two hours to finish the test. The boss picked them up and graded them. When he finished, he came back out of his office and said, "You both did very well and passed the test. In fact you scored the same grade." Then he told Hamza he got the job. All of a sudden Rahman jumped up and said, "Well wait, if we both scored the same grade, them why does Hamza get the job?" Then the boss said, "Well because of your answers, for example, on number 25, Hamza wrote, 'I don't know,' and you wrote, 'me either."

Quote of the day

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."

-Bernard Bailey

Ads

I would like to point out to anyone reading my blog that i have no control over the Ads that appear.

President Hosni Mubarak

Told to me by my favorite Egyption.

One afternoon President Hosni Mubarak was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

Listen

Yes now you can listen to a muslim Comic.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1135608

door to door

Two young Jumaties(sp?) were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a man who was not happy to see them. He told them, in no uncertain terms, that he did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To his surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. He tried again, really put his back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, He reared back to give it a slam thatwould teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Brother, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

final exam

"Why do you keep reading the Quran everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

Bumper sticker

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker: "Friends don't let friends eat pork."

Unknown

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never ceaseto be amused."

Where were you born?

Man: Where were you born?
Homsi : I was born in Lebanon.
Man : "Oh really, what part?"
Homsi : "All of me, you silly man!!."

when i was your age

Mullah Nasruddin was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a Cat. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.One of the boys replied, "This cat is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."Of course, the Mullah was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."There was complete silence for about a minute. As Mullah Nasruddin smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the Cat."

Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak

The Dangers of the Movies

The Pashtun lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Lahore theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the Pashtun, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The Pashtun groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The Pashtun just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.
In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the Pashtun, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Policeman surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right brother, what's you're name?"
"Abdullah," the Pashtun moaned.
"Where are from, Abdullah?"
With pain in his voice Abdullah replied.... "The balcony."

Jokes

This is very funny. I tried embedding it but i am having trouble right now and as i am fasting i am useless for complicated tasks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcvkDdzvLyg

female muslim comic

This is an article about a muslim female comediene very iteresting.

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0KAY/is_3_6/ai_108693827

No one embodies these ideas better than Shazia Mirza, a devout Muslim woman whose quest to pursue the simple--and quite personal--ambition of being a stand-up comedienne is literally taking the world by storm. It's not just that she is Muslim and is doing jokes about 9/11 and the backlash and hysteria that has followed. "My name is Shazia Mirza. At least that's what it says on my pilot's license." It's not just that she is funny: "If the comedy thing doesn't work out, I'm going to be a suicide bomber. I spoke to my counselor about it. She said no experience is required, you don't have to wait for payday, and it'll get you out of that marriage to your ugly cousin" or "Comedians and suicide bombers have one thing in common. Me, me, me." Indeed, what is most striking about Mirza and the condition she brings to her work as a comic is that her very existence is a powerful, if unintended, challenge to the countless social, cultural, political, racial, and gender paradigms that have the world locked in an endless, unwinnable battle with itself.

Ramadan Mubarak

Ramadan Mubarak

Hoping everyone has a blessed Ramadan

Hadith

Amr ibn al-As said: I had a sexual dream on a cold night in the battle of Dhat al-Salasil. I was afraid, if I washed/bathed I would die. I, therefore, performed Tayammum and led my companions in the dawn prayer. They mentioned that the Messenger of Allah (p). He said: 'Amr, you led your companions in prayer, while you were sexually defiled? I informed him of the cause which impeded me from taking a bath. And I said: I heard Allah say: "Do not kill yourself, verily Allah is merciful to you." The Messenger of Allah laughed and did not say anything. [Sunan Abu Dawood, Vol. 1, #334]

Unfair trial vs No trial

Two prisoners sit in a prison cell the black inmate complains "A black man can never get a fair trial in America."
The Muslim Inmate looks at him with astonisment and replies "you got a trial"



African-Americans complain that they cannot get a fair trial in America, Muslim Americans are astonished by this, as we cannot even get a trial.

hadith

Hasan Basri (Allah be pleased with him) says that an old woman came to Rasoolullah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and made a request, O’ Messenger of Allah make Dua that Allah grants me entrance into Jannah.Rasoolullah (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied, O’ Mother, an old woman cannot enter Jannah. That woman started crying and began to leave. Rasoolullah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, Say to the woman that one will not enter in a state of old age, but Allah will make all the women of Jannah young virgins. Allah Ta’aala says, Lo! We have created them a (new) creation and made them virgins, lovers, equal in age. (Surah Waaqi’ah, 35-37).

I Allah is willing

Nasruddin was determined to be decisive and efficient. one day he told his wife he would plow his largest field on the far side of the river and be back for a big dinner. She urged him to say, "If Allah is willing."He told her whether Allah was willing or not, that was his plan. The frightened wife looked up to Allah and asked forgiveness.Nasruddin loaded his wooden plow, hitched up the oxen to the wagon, climbed on his donkey, and set off.But within the short span of a day the river flooded from a cloudburst and washed his donkey downstream, and one of the oxen broke a leg in the mud, leaving Nasruddin to hitch himself in its place to plow the field.Having finished only half the field, at the sunset he set out for home exhausted and soaking wet. The river was still high so he had to wait until long past dark to cross over.After midnight a very wet but much wiser Nasruddin knocked at his door. Who is there Asked his wife.I think it is me, Nasruddin, he replied, if Allah is willing!

hadith

Narrated Ibn Mas'ud: "Mix with the people on the condition that your Deen is not jeopardized, and be jestful with the family." [Sahih al-Bukhari, Chapter 81 on "To be cheerful with the people"]

Tiger powder

One day Mullah Nasruddin was sprinkling some powder on the ground around his house. "Mullah Nasruddin, what are you doing?" a neighbor asked."I want to keep the tigers away.""But there are no tigers within hundreds of miles." "Effective, isn't it?" the Mullah replied.

Strength

At a gathering where Mullah Nasruddin was present, people were discussing the merits of youth and old age. They had all agreed that, a man's strength decreases as years go by. Mullah Nasruddin dissented.
- I don't agree with you gentlemen, he said. In my old age I have the same strength as I had in the prime of my youth.
- How do you mean, Mullah Nasruddin? asked somebody. Explain yourself.
- In my courtyard, explained Mullah Nasruddin, there is a massive stone. In my youth I used to try and lift it. I never succeeded. Neither can I lift it now.

From each according to his ability to each according to his needs

As Nasruddin emerged form the mosque after prayers, a beggar sitting on the street solicited alms. The following conversation followed:
- Are you extravagant? asked Nasruddin.
- Yes Nasruddin. replied the beggar.
- Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking? asked Nasruddin.
- Yes. replied the beggar.
- I suppose you like to go to the baths everyday? asked Nasruddin.
- Yes. replied the beggar.
- ...And maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends? asked Nasruddin.
- Yes I like all those things. replied the beggar.
- Tut, Tut, said Nasruddin, and gave him a gold piece.
A few yards farther on. another beggar who had overheard the conversation begged for alms also.
- Are you extravagant? asked Nasruddin.
- No, Nasruddin replied second beggar.
- Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking? asked Nasruddin.
- No. replied second beggar.
- I suppose you like to go to the baths everyday? asked Nasruddin.
- No. replied second beggar.
- ...And maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends? asked Nasruddin.
- No, I want to only live meagerly and to pray. replied second beggar.
Whereupon the Nasruddin gave him a small copper coin.
- But why, wailed second beggar, do you give me, an economical and pious
man, a penny, when you give that extravagant fellow a sovereign?
Ah my friend, replied Nasruddin, his needs are greater than yours.

Stick to your story

How old are you, Mullah nasruddin?"

"Forty."

"But you said that two years ago when I asked."

"That's right and I always stand by my word!"

Strep

I am sorry about failing to post regularly i have been battling with strep. Inshallah this week i will do much better.

Salam

Getting Inside the problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various people who called themselves Scholars, and other well-wishers, were called in by neighbors and asked to do something about the child.The first so-called Scholar told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums; this reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. The second told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; the fourth gave the boy a book; the fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; the sixth gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and explained that all reality was imagination. Like all placebos, each of these remedies worked for a short while, but none worked for very long.Eventually, Nasruddin came along. He looked at the situation, handed the boy a hammer and chisel, and said, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

Overheard

I think this is only funny if you grew up in The united states but i overheard this commnet at wedding recently
" I don't agree with al-queda, but now all those guys who beat me up in High School are afraid of me."

Protection

There was a Imam whose wife was expecting a baby. The Imam went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Imam's family expanded, so would his pay check.After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Imam's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Imam got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of Allah!"In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of Allah', but when we get too much, we wear Protection!"

Taxi Drivers go to Paradise

Mullah Nasruddien dies due to old age. Upon entering heaven’s gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. The Angel asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Abdulrahman Muhammed, and I was a Taxi driver in Lahore Pakistan for 14 years" "Very well," says The Angel, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of Paradise." The Angel looks at the Mullah, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Mullah Nasruddien , and have devoted the last 62 years to Allah". "Very well," says The Angel, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says Mullah Nasruddien, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," The Angel replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

getting the Syrian Govt. To do something

Abdullah was in jail in Damascus and he receives a letter from his wife which read: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" Abdullah, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all my papers." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." Abdullah wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

action

Trotting along on his donkey, Mulla Nasrudin was trying to eat some mulberry-flour. But each time he tried to empty some out of the bag into his mouth, the wind blew it away.
A passing farmer called out:
'What are you doing, Mulla?'
'At this rate,' said Nasrudin, 'I am not doing anything at all.'

The courts clean up

A dog had fouled the road between two houses. Each neighbour claimed that the other should clear it up.
Nasrudin was in court when the matter came before the summary judge.
This judge resented Nasrudin's claiming to be an adjudicator in common law. The case was difficult, so he decided to take Nasrudin down a peg or two.
'I will abide by your decision, Mulla Nasrudin,' he said, 'since this is a difficult case. You have the final word.'
'My decision', the Mulla immediately answered, 'is that since it is for the judiciary to clear up matters in dispute -- you should clean it up.'

Get the dates right

A guide was taking a party round the British Museum.
'This sarcophagus is five thousand years old.'
A bearded figure with a turban stepped forward. 'You are mistaken,' said Nasrudin, 'for it is five thousand and three years old.'
Everyone was impressed, and the guide was not pleased. They passed into another room.
'This vase', said the guide, 'is two thousand five hundred years old.'
'Two thousand five hundred and three,' intoned Nasrudin.
'Now look here,' said the guide, 'how can you date things so precisely ? I don't care if you do come from the East, people just don't know things like that.'
'Simple,' said Nasrudin. 'I was last here three years ago. That time you said the vase was two thousand five hundred years old.'

What is in My hand

Someone asked Nasrudin to guess what he had in his hand.“Give me a clue,” said the Mulla.“I'll give you several,” said the wag. “It is shaped like an egg, egg-sized, looks, tastes and smells like an egg. Inside it is yellow and white. It is liquid within before you cook it, coalesces with heat. It was, moreover, laid by a hen…”“I know!” interrupted the Mulla. “It is some sort of cake.”

Is it Me?

Nasrudin went into a bank with a cheque to cash.
'Can you identify yourself?' asked the clerk.
Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered into it.
'Yes, that's me all right,' he said.

Right some of the time

The Mulla's clock was always wrong.
'Can't you do something about that clock, Mulla?' someone asked him.
'What?'
'Well, it is never right. Anything would be an improvement on that.'
The Mulla hit it with a hammer. It stopped.
'You are right, you know,' he said, 'this really is an improvement.'
'I did not mean literally anything. How can it be better now than it was before?'
'Well, you see, before I stopped it it was never right. Now it is right twice a day, isn't it?'

Lost Donkey

Nasruddin loved his donkey. One day the townspeople came running, "Effendi, Effendi!, your little donkey is lost!"
Nasruddin replied: "Praised be to Allah! Why, if I was on him I would have been lost too!"

Company time

Hamza had taken a job in a factory. The foreman saw him lay down his tools and start to walk towards the door.
'What do you think you are doing?'
'I am going to have my hair cut.'
'You can't have your hair cut in the Company's time!'
'But I grew it in the Company's time.'
'Not all of it, you didn't.'
'All right, then, I won't have all of it off.'

Questions Answered

Nasruddin opened a booth with a sign above it: Two Questions On Any Subject Answered For Only 100 Silver Coins A man who had two very urgent questions handed over his money, saying: A hundred silver coins is rather expensive for two questions, isn't it? Yes, said Nasruddin, and the next question, please?

Katrina

After an extensive investigation The department of Homeland security has announced that they have found no connection between Islamic Terrorists and last year's unusually active Hurricane season. Muslims through out the world expressed relief that they would not be blamed for the hurricanes.
The FBI has stated that they are still investigating to see if the heavy rain which had caused flooding in Washington DC had any connection to Al-Qaeda.

traveling by donkey

Abdulrahman and his son were going from village to village and Abdulrahman walked beside the donkey that his elderly father was riding. In the first village, the people exclaimed: "OH! That poor young boy is walking while the father rides the donkey!"So the father got off and Abdulrahman got on and they went to the next village. In the next village, the people exclaimed, "OH! That poor old man is walking while his son rides the donkey!"So they both got on the donkey and the people in the third village exclaimed, "OH! That poor donkey! Carrying the weight of two people!"So they both carried the donkey on their backs and were laughed out of the fourth village!

The moral of the story: You can't please everybody

Turban

The wit and wisdom of Mullah Nasruddin never leaves him tongue-tied. One day an illiterate man came to Mullah Nasruddin with a letter he had received. "Mullah Nasruddin, please read this letter to me." Mullah Nasruddin looked at the letter, but could not make out a single word. So he told the man. "I am sorry, but I cannot read this." The man cried: "For shame, Mullah Nasruddin ! You must be ashamed before the turban you wear (i.e. the sign of education)" Mullah Nasruddin removed the turban from his own head and placed it on the head of the illiterate man, said: "There, now you wear the turban. If it gives some knowledge, read the letter yourself."

The Blanket

Hoja and the Blanket
Nasreddin Hoja was awakened one night by the cries of two quarreling men in front of his house. Wrapping his blanket tightly around his shoulders, he rushed outside to separate the men who had come to blows. But when he tried to reason with them, one of them snatched the blanket off Hoja's shoulders and ran away. Nasreddin Hoja, very weary and perplexed, returned to his house.

"What was the quarrel about?" his wife asked. "About our blanket," replied Nasreddin Hoja. "The blanket is gone, the quarrel is over."

good sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother:
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a camel with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Divan-e Hafez? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Divan. It took elders of the town 19 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the Ghazal number, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Ali," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. "Reza," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the camel. And the driver is so rude!" "My Dearest Nasruddin," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Searching

One evening a friend of Nasrudin's came to visit him. He saw Nasrudin crawling on the ground looking for something. Nasrudin said that he had lost a valuable coin. The friend knelt down to help Nasrudin look for the money. After they had crawled all over the yard, Nasrudin's friend asked, "Exactly where did you drop the money?" I dropped it in the house," answered Nasrudin, "But we cannot look for the money in there. It's much too dark

shoplifting

A woman was caught on video in saudi arabia shop lifting at a mall. Police are looking for a female with brown eyes.

smuggling

Jamal comes up to the Afghan-Pakistan border on a bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in thebags?""Sand," answers Jamal.The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Jamal overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Jamal, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Jamal.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Jamal, who crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,Jamal doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a restaurant in Afghanistan."Hey, Jamal," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"Jamal sips his chai and says, "Bicycles."

the Slap

The Slap Nasreddin Hodja was standing in the marketplace when a stranger stepped up to him and slapped him in the face, but then said, "I beg your pardon. I thought that you were someone else." This explanation did not satisfy the Hodja, so he brought the stranger before the qadi and demanded compensation. The Hodja soon perceived that the qadi and the defendant were friends. The latter admitted his guilt, and the judge pronounced the sentence: "The settlement for this offense is one piaster, to be paid to the plaintiff. If you do not have a piaster with you, then you may bring it here to the plaintiff at your convenience." Hearing this sentence, the defendant went on his way. The Hodja waited for him to return with the piaster. And he waited. And he waited. Some time later the Hodja said to the qadi, "Do I understand correctly that one piaster is sufficient payment for a slap?" "Yes," answered the qadi. Hearing this answer, the Hodja slapped the judge in the face and said, "You may keep my piaster when the defendant returns with it," then walked away.

Serving Allah

It has been noted that it seems most people wish to serve Allah, but in an advisory position.

Who's the idiot?

Nasruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece. One day a kindly man said to him: Nasruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you. That may be true, said Nasruddin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.

River crossing

Two traveling Sufis reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the Sufis hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed. As the Sufis continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our religion teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!" "Brother," the second Sufi replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

Question?

Question for everyone, if your last name is Mubarak, can you name one of your kids Eid. Seems like that would be a bit of child abuse.

Groceries

An old Muslim woman lived next door to an antheits. Every day she would stand on her front porch and cry "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I belive in You!" and the athist would look out his window and say "There is no Allah! There is no God! You're wasting your time, old woman!" She would turn up her nose and walk into her house.This went on for years.
One day she came out and cried "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I have no money for food this week, but I belive in You! I know You'll give me my provisions!" Upon hearing this, the atheist concocted an evil plan.The next day the woman found four large bags of groceries on her front porch. She took them inside and came out again and cried out "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I had no money for food this week, but I belived in You and You came through for me! Allahu Akbar!!"
The atheist jumped from behind the bushes and said "Aha! Allah didn't put those groceries there! I did! That proves there's no Allah!"The old woman said "Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah, I truly believe in You! Not only did you give me my provisions for the week, but you made Shaitan pay for it!"

Religious confusion

A Muslim boy and his cousin attended their first Christian wedding. Afterwards, the cousin asked "How many wives can a Christian man have?"The boy replied "16""Really? How do you know?" the cousin asked."Simple arithmetic. The preacher said so: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer".

Imam Leaving

An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me"."Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time

Dog attack

A man is walking in the Central Park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the life of the girl. A policeman who was watching the scene walked over and said, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read about it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl." The man says "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answered. "But I am not an American!" says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" the policeman enquired. The man replied, "I am a Pakistani!" The policeman walked away. The next day all the newspapers reported: "Islamic extremist kills American dog".

Light bulbs

How many Shi'ite Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?One; but he must first wait for a fatwa declaring Western-made light bulbs to be halal.---------------------------

How many Whirling Dervish Sufis does it take to change a light bulb? One; but he has to wait until the Thursday night Dhikr to do it!---------------------------

How many Taliban does it take to change a light bulb?Light bulbs are haram! If candles and oil lamps were good enough for the Prophet (sas) they're good enough for us! ----------------------------

How many Nation of Islam members does it take to change a light bulb? ONE!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?

Clothes and judgement

One day Nasruddin went to a banquet. As he was dressed rather shabbily, no one let him in. So he ran home, put on his best robe and fur coat and returned. Immediately, the host came over, greeted him and ushered him to the head of an elaborate banquet table. When the food was served, Nasruddin took some soup with spoon and pushed it to the his fur coat and said, Eat my fur coat, eat! It's obvious that you're the real guest of honor today, not me

The Idiot

Mullah Nasruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece. One day a kindly man said to him: Mullah Nasruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you. That may be true, said Mullah Nasruddin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.

marriage

A student of Mulla Nasrudin asked him:" How much does it cost to get married?"Mulla Nasrudin replied" I don't know, I'm still paying for it""Is it true? Mulla, I heard that in China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her," his other student asked.Mulla" That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

age vs height

A Ram, An Ox and a camel are walking through the desert together when they come across a large very green tuff of grass growing out of the sand.the Ram stated " I should get this tuff of grass for i am the oldest, as i was in the field with the ram that Ibrahim sacrificed instead of his oldest child."the Ox replied "nay then i am the oldest for after Adam was expeled fronm the garden i pulled his plow in the first field he cultivated.the Camal horrified at how his companions were lying he then stated " age is not a good criteria for who should get it, height is." and with that leaned over and ate the grass.

Ramadan

Omar cannot perform the Ramadan fast-- No matter how hard he tries, he just loves to eat too much, and the fast stresses to the max his feeble will.One day, a group of Omar's friends come up to him on the street.One speaks, "Omar, we are your friends, and we have noticed that even though you do not fast for Ramadan, you do join with your family and partake in the predawn meal of Souhour. What we want to know is, if you do not fast, then why even bother with Souhour???" Omar replied in kind, "my dear friends, if I cannot do what is fard , at least I can do what is sunnah."

Humility

During Ottoman times in Greece this Pasha was going to the Mosque for Friday prayers and had his litte son with him. They passed some Greek shopkeepers who had decided to call it a day and were drinking wine and enjoying some noisy conviviality together. The little boy said "Dad, us Muslims are a lot better than those noisy people because we are going to pray instead of loafing around and drinking aren't we?" And his father said: "You were, until you said so."

wisdom

Wisdom from Mullah Nasruddin "Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too."

be quite

An Imam is about to walk into the musallah to give a khutbah when he runs into some small children. Being well mannered little boys and girls, they give the Imam the salaams, and he returns them."Now, children" the Imam says "You know that you must be quiet while the khutbah is being given, don't you?" The children all say yes. "Alhamdulillah! Very good. Now, who can tell me why you have to be quiet during the khutbah?"Little Ahmed raises his hand and says "Because people are trying to sleep!"

Money Talks

Two old worn-out bills arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. One was a tattered $1 dollar bill and the other was a worn $20 bill. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Masjid on Main Street, the Masjid on 4th street, the Masjid down town" The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a Masjid?"

Al-Gebra

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator."Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement."He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction."

Jummah Prayer

After Friday Jummah prayer, a little boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a Mullah when I grow up.""That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" she said."Well," he said, "I have to go to Jummah on Friday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

Don't abuse Inshallah

Mullah Nasruddin had saved up to buy a new shirt. He went to a tailor's shop,full of excitement. The tailor measured him and said, "Come back in a week,and--if Allah wills--your shirt will be ready."The Mullah contained himself for a week and then went back to the shop. "Therehas been a delay. But--if Allah wills--your shirt will be ready tomorrow."The following day Nasruddin returned. "I am sorry," said the tailor, "but it isnot quite finished. Try tomorrow, and--if Allah wills--it will be ready.""How long will it take," asked the exasperated Nasruddin, "if you leave Allah outof it?"

Walnuts and Pumpkins

One hot day, Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eying speculatively, the huge pumpkins growing on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree. Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! he mused. Just fancy letting tinny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines! Just then a walnut snapped off and fell smack on Mullah Nasruddin's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said: "Oh, my God! Forgive my questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees

Rent

A big, burly man visited the Nasruddin's home and asked to see Mullah Nasruddin, as nasruddin was well known for his charitable impulses."Mullah," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.""How terrible!" exclaimed Mullah Nasruddin. "May I ask who you are?"The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Money

Mullah Nasruddin stood up on the minbar one friday and announced to the people in the Masjid," I have good news and i have bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new Masjid.. The bad news is, it 's still out there in your pockets."

Party?

Hamza was on his last dying breath. He was upstairs in the bed and was about to slip out of this world, when he smelled it.The most wonderful smell. Baklava, baking in the oven downstairs.He struggled out of the bed. He could not stand up, so he crawled over the stairway and rolled down the stairs. He crawled into the kitchen and pulled himself up to the counter where the baklava was cooling on the rack. He took one and put it to his mouth. Awe that wonderful smell, that wonderful taste.Aisha walked up behind him and said, " Shame on you Hamza. That Baklava is for after the funeral."

lying

Nasruddin told his class, "Next week I plan the Khutba to be about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Surah 85 ayats 25 to 30." The following Friday, as he prepared to deliver his Khutba, Mullah Nasruddin asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Surah 85 ayats 25 to 30. Every hand went up. Mullah Nasruddin smiled and said, "Surah 85 has only 22 ayats. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Donkey

One day , one of Mullah Nasruddin's friend came over and wanted to borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey. Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah replied: "I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey's word over mine

to give or to recieve

A wealthy merchant fell into a lake and as he could not swim started to drown. a crowd of men were trying to save him each yelling at him "give me your hand merchant give me your hand" but the wealthy merchant continued to thrash around in the water.Nasrudin seeing all the commotion and watching everyone moved quickly to the edge of the water shouting at the merchant "Take my hand" the merchant quickly grabbed his hand, and Nasrudin hauled him out of the water.everyone was amazed and asked nasrudin how is it that you were able to save him when we could not."it was easy", Nasrudin replied, "I know this mercahnt and he was going to drown before he gave anything, but it was easy for him to take mine."

Camel

A man was loading far to many boxes on his camel, finaly he had one small box left and he asked the camel, "may i put this box on your back, to which the camel responded, " sure i'm not going anywhere."

Khutba

Once, the people of The City invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a khutba. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found theaudience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so heannounced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left.The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the peoplereplied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of yourtime" and he left.Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak thefollowing week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were preparedand so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I amgoing to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!

Nasruddin

"May the Will of Allah be done," a pious man was saying about something or the other."It always is, in any case," said Mullah Nasruddin."How can you prove that, Mullah?" asked the man."Quite simply. If it wasn't always being done, then surely at some time or another my will would be done, wouldn't it?"