Wednesday, January 31, 2007

can't we all get along

A man was was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off and commit suicide. He immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. The man said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too!
Are you Muslim, Christian or Jewish?" "Muslim." "Me too!
Sunni or Shiite?" "Sunni." "Me too!
Hanafi, Hanbali, Shafi or Maliki?" "Hanafi." "Wow! Me too!
Do you follow Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani or Sheikh Kaza Kazah?" "Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani." To which he said, "What?!! Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Airport Security

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for flying British Airways Flight 324 nonstop from London to New York. We are still awaiting our security clearance from U.S. authorities, but it's safe to assume that we'll land in New York sometime in the next month or so. If you look to your left, you will see a landmark tha tattracts more than one million tourists every year. It's called Heathrow Airport. Yes, we haven't yet taken off, as a few astute passengers have noticed. Needless to say, wewould rather wait on the ground than in the air -- it's so much easier to get a refill. You won't believe how fast we go through our liquor cart. The weather in New York is cold and breezy, with a 30 percent chance of snow. But why am I telling you that? By the time we get there, it might be summer. Of course, there is still a possibility the status of this flight will be changed to "delayed indefinitely" from its current status of "delayed definitely." If that happens, youmay be asked to disembark immediately. With that in mind, I would advise you not to get too comfortable. You may recline your seat and stretch your legs, but please don't change into your pajamas.If you are spotted wearing pajamas in the airport, the United States may revoke your visa. In fact, if you are seen wearing any type of clothing that does not conform to standards established by the U.S. Attorney General, as specified in Section IV, Paragraph 3 of the Anti-Terrorism Law, you may be denied entry into the United States, unless, of course, you can prove you're a member of the clergy. Please do not take this personally. These measures have been taken to protect you from people who look like you. As you've probably heard, the U.S. government recently raised the national threat level to orange, which meansthere's a high risk of terrorists attacking people with oranges. This may seem like a minor threat to you, but has anyone ever squeezed an orange peel into your eye?As a result of this threat, airport security has been beefed up, with apologies to our vegetarian passengers. Some of you already know this, having spent the last two hours being poked at. A few of you may have come under extra scrutiny, especially if you have names such as Hussein, Ahmed and Abdul. But most of you are white and your names, thankfully, create no concern, as I just told the three men in firstclass, an Englishman named Hunt, an American named Rob, anda Dutchman named Harm. Once we get to New York, you may be photographed and fingerprinted, especially if you come from a non-Europeancountry. Please do not take this personally. No one is saying that you're a terrorist. They're just saying that you look like one. Before I finish, I'd like to draw your attention to the back of the plane, where you'll see that we have an Indian man flying with us today. Please do not panic. He has been through a special 16-hour security check. We even tested the oil in his hair. You'll be glad to know that it isn't flammable. Among the items we've confiscated from this man are two sharp pencils, one orange and a bottle of a caustic,tongue-burning substance that he claims is lemon pickle. Anyway, I just want you to know that this man will soon get up to use the restroom, escorted by three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom will be observedwith 206 cameras, one for every bone in his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised above his head at all times, so you might not want to use the restroom after him. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I'm retiring in a couple of months and I feel a strong urge to be completely open with my passengers, an urge I've had ever since the liquor cart went by.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Law

670,616,629.384 MPH not just a good idea its the law

Monday, January 15, 2007

Lying

The Imam told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my Khutba, I want you all to read Surah Al Mu’mimun Ayats 95 to 100."

The following Friday, as he prepared to deliver his Khutba, the Imam asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Surah Al Mu’mimun Ayats 95 to 100." Every hand went up. The Imam smiled and said, " Surah Al Mu’mimun has only 93 ayats. I will now proceed with my Khutba on the sin of lying."

Friday, January 12, 2007

dihydrogen monoxide

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Misunderstanding

the khatib intoned from the minbar, “Allah, without you we are but dust.”
At that moment a little boy leaned over to his father and asked quite audibly, “Baba, what is butt dust?”
You can imagine it took a while for everything to settle down after that.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Little Mosque on the praire

This could either end up being really good or pretty bad. the clips i saw were funny. I am also pretty sure you are going to either love it or hate it.

http://www.littlemosque.ca/

In a show that will be the first of its kind on North American TV, CBC plans to begin a new comedy series about a small community of Muslims living in rural Saskatchewan.

http://www.cbc.ca/arts/tv/story/2007/01/03/little-mosque.html

LITTLE MOSQUE ON THE PRAIRIE is a new comedy from CBC Television about a
small Muslim community in the prairie town of Mercy, many of whose residents are
wary of their new, more “exotic” neighbors. The series takes an unabashedly funny look
at the congregation of a rural mosque and their attempt to live in harmony with the often
skeptical, even down right suspicious, residents of their little prairie town. The sitcom
reveals that, although different, we are all surprisingly similar when it comes to family,
love, the generation gap and our attempts to balance our secular and religious lives.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Inshallah

I think as Muslims we should watch how we use the phrase Inshallah.
I kid you not, went to barnes and noble this week, a bookstore chain here in the states, and went to the foriegn language section. they had many books on arababic and i decided to browse them, there were several phrase books which i liked but here is the kicker, the first one translated Inshallah as "probably or maybe", and the second one translated it as "probably NOT"