smuggling

Jamal comes up to the Afghan-Pakistan border on a bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in thebags?""Sand," answers Jamal.The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Jamal overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Jamal, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Jamal.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Jamal, who crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,Jamal doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a restaurant in Afghanistan."Hey, Jamal," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"Jamal sips his chai and says, "Bicycles."

the Slap

The Slap Nasreddin Hodja was standing in the marketplace when a stranger stepped up to him and slapped him in the face, but then said, "I beg your pardon. I thought that you were someone else." This explanation did not satisfy the Hodja, so he brought the stranger before the qadi and demanded compensation. The Hodja soon perceived that the qadi and the defendant were friends. The latter admitted his guilt, and the judge pronounced the sentence: "The settlement for this offense is one piaster, to be paid to the plaintiff. If you do not have a piaster with you, then you may bring it here to the plaintiff at your convenience." Hearing this sentence, the defendant went on his way. The Hodja waited for him to return with the piaster. And he waited. And he waited. Some time later the Hodja said to the qadi, "Do I understand correctly that one piaster is sufficient payment for a slap?" "Yes," answered the qadi. Hearing this answer, the Hodja slapped the judge in the face and said, "You may keep my piaster when the defendant returns with it," then walked away.

Serving Allah

It has been noted that it seems most people wish to serve Allah, but in an advisory position.

Who's the idiot?

Nasruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece. One day a kindly man said to him: Nasruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you. That may be true, said Nasruddin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.

River crossing

Two traveling Sufis reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the Sufis hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed. As the Sufis continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our religion teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!" "Brother," the second Sufi replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

Question?

Question for everyone, if your last name is Mubarak, can you name one of your kids Eid. Seems like that would be a bit of child abuse.

Groceries

An old Muslim woman lived next door to an antheits. Every day she would stand on her front porch and cry "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I belive in You!" and the athist would look out his window and say "There is no Allah! There is no God! You're wasting your time, old woman!" She would turn up her nose and walk into her house.This went on for years.
One day she came out and cried "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I have no money for food this week, but I belive in You! I know You'll give me my provisions!" Upon hearing this, the atheist concocted an evil plan.The next day the woman found four large bags of groceries on her front porch. She took them inside and came out again and cried out "Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah! I had no money for food this week, but I belived in You and You came through for me! Allahu Akbar!!"
The atheist jumped from behind the bushes and said "Aha! Allah didn't put those groceries there! I did! That proves there's no Allah!"The old woman said "Alhamdulillah! Oh Allah, I truly believe in You! Not only did you give me my provisions for the week, but you made Shaitan pay for it!"

Religious confusion

A Muslim boy and his cousin attended their first Christian wedding. Afterwards, the cousin asked "How many wives can a Christian man have?"The boy replied "16""Really? How do you know?" the cousin asked."Simple arithmetic. The preacher said so: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer".

Imam Leaving

An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me"."Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time

Dog attack

A man is walking in the Central Park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the life of the girl. A policeman who was watching the scene walked over and said, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read about it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl." The man says "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answered. "But I am not an American!" says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" the policeman enquired. The man replied, "I am a Pakistani!" The policeman walked away. The next day all the newspapers reported: "Islamic extremist kills American dog".

Light bulbs

How many Shi'ite Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?One; but he must first wait for a fatwa declaring Western-made light bulbs to be halal.---------------------------

How many Whirling Dervish Sufis does it take to change a light bulb? One; but he has to wait until the Thursday night Dhikr to do it!---------------------------

How many Taliban does it take to change a light bulb?Light bulbs are haram! If candles and oil lamps were good enough for the Prophet (sas) they're good enough for us! ----------------------------

How many Nation of Islam members does it take to change a light bulb? ONE!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?

Clothes and judgement

One day Nasruddin went to a banquet. As he was dressed rather shabbily, no one let him in. So he ran home, put on his best robe and fur coat and returned. Immediately, the host came over, greeted him and ushered him to the head of an elaborate banquet table. When the food was served, Nasruddin took some soup with spoon and pushed it to the his fur coat and said, Eat my fur coat, eat! It's obvious that you're the real guest of honor today, not me

The Idiot

Mullah Nasruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece. One day a kindly man said to him: Mullah Nasruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you. That may be true, said Mullah Nasruddin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.

marriage

A student of Mulla Nasrudin asked him:" How much does it cost to get married?"Mulla Nasrudin replied" I don't know, I'm still paying for it""Is it true? Mulla, I heard that in China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her," his other student asked.Mulla" That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

age vs height

A Ram, An Ox and a camel are walking through the desert together when they come across a large very green tuff of grass growing out of the sand.the Ram stated " I should get this tuff of grass for i am the oldest, as i was in the field with the ram that Ibrahim sacrificed instead of his oldest child."the Ox replied "nay then i am the oldest for after Adam was expeled fronm the garden i pulled his plow in the first field he cultivated.the Camal horrified at how his companions were lying he then stated " age is not a good criteria for who should get it, height is." and with that leaned over and ate the grass.

Ramadan

Omar cannot perform the Ramadan fast-- No matter how hard he tries, he just loves to eat too much, and the fast stresses to the max his feeble will.One day, a group of Omar's friends come up to him on the street.One speaks, "Omar, we are your friends, and we have noticed that even though you do not fast for Ramadan, you do join with your family and partake in the predawn meal of Souhour. What we want to know is, if you do not fast, then why even bother with Souhour???" Omar replied in kind, "my dear friends, if I cannot do what is fard , at least I can do what is sunnah."

Humility

During Ottoman times in Greece this Pasha was going to the Mosque for Friday prayers and had his litte son with him. They passed some Greek shopkeepers who had decided to call it a day and were drinking wine and enjoying some noisy conviviality together. The little boy said "Dad, us Muslims are a lot better than those noisy people because we are going to pray instead of loafing around and drinking aren't we?" And his father said: "You were, until you said so."

wisdom

Wisdom from Mullah Nasruddin "Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too."

be quite

An Imam is about to walk into the musallah to give a khutbah when he runs into some small children. Being well mannered little boys and girls, they give the Imam the salaams, and he returns them."Now, children" the Imam says "You know that you must be quiet while the khutbah is being given, don't you?" The children all say yes. "Alhamdulillah! Very good. Now, who can tell me why you have to be quiet during the khutbah?"Little Ahmed raises his hand and says "Because people are trying to sleep!"

Money Talks

Two old worn-out bills arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. One was a tattered $1 dollar bill and the other was a worn $20 bill. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Masjid on Main Street, the Masjid on 4th street, the Masjid down town" The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a Masjid?"

Al-Gebra

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator."Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement."He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction."

Jummah Prayer

After Friday Jummah prayer, a little boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a Mullah when I grow up.""That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" she said."Well," he said, "I have to go to Jummah on Friday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."